Nah, Kiss Her!
by jazhpfreak
Summary: Narcissa and James, Frozen Smoothie, Cashews and CD roms. Don't forget Lord Voldemort. NBJP JPOC
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hello! This is mine (jazhpfreak) and Leisha's (Hpfreaklk) first ever joint fan fic. We were scrolling through the random couples and decided to write one about them. I am sure we will both have a lot of fun with this……….. **

**Leisha's A/N I in no way support Narcissa and James as a couple.**

**Disclaimer: There are REALLY two of us here, and I am quite positive J.K. Rowling isn't schizophrenic, thus we cannot own this fabulous piece of our own world. Which is hers. LOL, I make no sense. **

Nah, Kiss her mate!

"SKULL! SKULL! SKULL! SKULL! SK- YEAHHHHHHHHH! WOOOOHOOOO!" The Gryffindor common room yelled (No, not the room, the people IN the rom, yes, that's a CD rom) as James Potter drained the last of what was his 75th bottle of alcamohol (yes, I said EVERYBODY in the room).

That night not only was the rom filled with CDs and Gryffindors but also people from most of the other houses in the school. The other houses being Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Hagrid's little house. That was the night Narcissa Black conceived Draco Black. It was also the day before her wedding to Lucius Malfoy. It was also the night she hooked up with James Potter. YES, YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY, MALFOY WAS NOT MALFOYS BABY!

Let's go back in time a bit shall we. Well. I will not bore you with the details of that night. WAIT A SECOND, THEN WE HAVE NO STORY! OK, that night. James was the drunkest he had ever been, EVER, EVER, NEVER, YES NEVER HAD HE BEEN SNOWBOARDING! I mean, NEVER HAD HE ACTUALLY SEEN SANTA. I mean NEVER HAD HE EVER BEEN SO DRUNK IN HIS LIFE!

Anyway, apparently (me not knowing what it is like to be drunk, I'm only 14) drunk people always want to make out. SOOOO. OH, I can just hear you saying, THIS IS WEAR (yes, I'm wearing clothes) Where Narcissa comes back in! VERY SMART PEOPLE! (Pauses to wipe the frozen smoothie from side of mouth, what did Leisha's mum put in this stuff?)

OK, I'm gonna start again. James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Scumbag, I mean Pettigrew were sitting on one of the rich, dark red pieces of software I mean couches, thinking about what a huge success the party had been.

"So, who, um, hehehehehehe, you gonna, umm, hook up with, Prongy boy?" Sirius said, his dark, beautiful hair falling down around his gorgeous face, his arm around his stunning (and also quite drunk, which is always a plus) new girlfriend, Sunny.

Amidst the drunken people of the CD rom was Remus, who was sitting with everyone, and was also drunk, very drunk. Despite this he was still attempting to read his books, though he was absentmindedly drooling on one of the pages of _Mum I love you, But Please Die._

OK, we're straying from the point. James looked up and saw through his now very blurred vision, a vision in white. Although it was not actually white, it was black, she was wearing a black robe. (At least, I hope she was). It was an angel sent from above, it was a savior, it was a princess, it was Narcissa Black.

He thought, _ahhhh, she looks nice_, he also thought of cashew nuts, but for an entirely different reason.

"Should I punch her in the duck bum?" Said an extremely drunk and delusional James (Yummm I hate cashew nuts)

He barely payed attention to Sunny dragging Sirius towards the staircase leading to the boys dormitory. Before he was dragged completely away, he said to James

"Nah, Kiss 'er Mate. GET IT. HAHA NAR-Kiss-Her, Narcissa." HE continued to laugh hysterically and allowed his girlfriend to pull him up the stairs.

James turned round to see Narcissa sitting next to him, staring non-stop at his lips.

"Umm, do you wanna go waggy? We can ahh, lalala, _You make me wanna lala! On the bedpan in the phone _or right here if you want!" James managed to spill out, his mind still on the rather exotic nut.

Narcissa, being rather drunk herself, said "Why not! Lets umm, go wagga as you say."

James jumped up with a look of glee on his face, and immediately grabbed the box of wizards c-

-hess (I know what you were thinking you dirty minded people). Narcissa looked at him, and said, her voice rather steady "No, this is more what I had in mind." And with that, she grabbed his hand and led him gently to the stairs, but they did not go up, nor did they go down, in fact they didn't move until the morning.

Light was beginning to poor through the windows of the Gryffindor CD rom and onto the faces of a few sleeping people who were bound to have ear splitting head aches when they woke up. James Potter, suddenly jumped up, looked down and pulled up his fly, then let it into the air to go fly off with its insect buddies. He then zipped up his jeans.

"Prongs? Is that you down there?" Sirius's quiet voice drifted down the stairs.

"Yeah, it's me, Padfoot. Good sleep?" James asked him

"Well, I have to say there wasn't really much sleeping involved, but if that's what you want to call it, I want to sleep every night." Sirius shut his eyes for a moment, no doubt recalling the previous night events over and over again I his head, and he suddenly ran off, looking rather embarrassed, and holding his hands over his crotch.

James thought nothing of this, he merely concentrated on his own pounding head ache. Remus Lupin walked into the room at this precise moment in time.

"Hey James, what did u get up to last night?" he said.

"I…..don't…..know……" He said slowly and looked up at Remus. "I remember something about nuts, several different kinds in fact."

"There are more than two?" Said Remus in an awed voice

"SHH, and I remember something about kissing, nah, her, what?" Hmm, then a light, pale body swam back into his mind, he thought of the black robe, the long, thin features… OH MY GOD! He had slept with Lord Voldemort! No, wait, that couldn't be right. Hmm, he had some serious pondering to do.

Two things happened very quickly. One, Peter Asshole, I mean, Pettigrew appeared at the top of the stairs, looking very red around the eyes, and promptly fell down the stairs. Two, Narcissa Black Suddenly kicked open the portrait hole and ran inside, Yelling at the top of her lungs. Both of these events caused all of them to flinch horribly with a very painful throb in their head.

There was no apparent reason for any of this, they both got up, and walked off as camly as ever. James stated to think that his life was just a cruel Fan Fiction, written by two teenage girls at an increasingly late hour of the night. He also thought of the strong, nutty taste of nuts.

Then it hit him. He knew. He knew everything. He knew, how, what, when why, HOW, no wait already mentioned that one. Everything that had happened came back to him, everything that had happened in the last 24 hours that had made his life seem like a cruel Fan Fiction written by two teenage girls at an increasingly late hour of the night. He knew he knew it all. For a moment he felt like GOD. He reaches up to his mouth and pulled out the tiny remains of one of the toughest strongest bits of CASHEW NUT EVER. EVER EVER NEVER EVER HAD HE BEEN SNOWBOARDING. That bit of Cashew nut had stayed in his mouth since last nights dinner, through 75 bottles of butterbeer. THAT is why he couldn't stop thinking of it, all night long, all through his drunken stupor. HE WAS IN LOVE WITH THE CASHEW NUT!

He ran back over to his friends. (Did he ever run away from them? Oh well) And yelled that he now had truly felt love. He announced his engagement to Nutmeg, the cashew nut. They had a beautiful wedding ceremony, joined with Narcissa Black and Lucius Malfoy.

Nutmeg wore a GORGEOUS red dress, and James wore a matching red tux, with octopus tentacles to pay his resects to the giant squid, who had sadly passed away the day before.

Sirius married himself, and Lupin married his book, and they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

"_Father, why do insist on reading back to those times? Why does the dark lord want to know?" Draco Malfoy asked his Father_

"_Because you stupid boy, the dark lord wants to get as much information as possible on Harry Potter's family, even if it means reading this trash. He said it will help him in the final battle." Replied Lucius coldly. He sighed and got up, he would pursue this tomorrow, when he had the strength. _

_At that precise moment, the memory of James Potter burst into the room, and promptly killed Lucius with one flick of his wand. _

"_YOU KILLED MY FATHER!" Yelled Draco in despair._

"_No, little boy, I am your father…."_

Fin

**A/N Please don't ask, we have absolutely no idea our selves, we can only say that it is now 10 past 1 in the morning, we drank a lot of frozen Strawberry smoothie and are now consuming the entire bag of marshmallows that sits beside me. Please review, I like reviews, hehehehehehehehehehhehehehehehehehehhehehehe, hahahahahahhahahahhahaha, hohohohohohohohohho, Hey look, SANTA!**

**Peace out Peoples,**

**Skweeky Leisha and Also very Clean Jasmin.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WE'RE BACK!... joined today by our best friend Sam, who has gladly decided to join us as a special guest/best friend joining us. HAHAHAHA we're back, back in black, well actually I'm (Leisha) wearing blue and Jas is wearing some reddy pink colour and Sam's lying in bed under the covers so we can't quite tell. Jas and Sam have just informed me that it is someone unknown colour that is unknown to man. We are once again bored and extremely tired but this time it is a cruel fan fiction written by THREE teenage girls at an increasingly late hour of the night, this time we are high on chocolate. Mmmm chocolate, which reminds me of Cashew nuts, which brings me back to the story. Let us recap, James Potter has just killed Lucius Malfoy and told Draco that he is really his father. MALFOY IS NOT MALFOY'S BABY! **

**Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, "Ding dong the witch is dead" and Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil. Sorry J.K. Rowling for destroying the world we all love so much.**

**Summary: (coz I like writing summaries.) Draco, James and Nutmeg are all back, now they are joined by thousands of munchkins, ice statues, zucchini (not much just a little) and a big BIG surprise. What is Nutmeg's BIG secret, underneath her salty nuts (get it coz she's a nut)?**

A shocked silence filled the air. THEN a thousand munchkins filed into the room singing "Ding Dong the witch is dead…"

"But he's a wizard!" yelled Draco, still coming to terms with his fathers death even though its been three seconds and Lucius isn't his father.

The munchkins shrugged and looked at each other. "FINE THEN!" screeched a small green munchkin in the back, who was small and green and in the back by the name of Sam, who was wearing unknown colours unknown to man. Speaking of man, James Potter, who was very much a man, and men are cruel so they pulled out some fly spray and fly swats and started spraying them and swatting them until they were no more.

"Come back to bed sweetie" croaked a very small voice from the doorway, all the people in the room (including the dead munchkins and dead Lucius, (And a dead Lois) making a lot of people even though the munchkins aren't technically people, they are oompa loompas in disguise) looked to the door to see a very small piece of nut, cashew nut to be precise, wearing a thin white lacy robe, which showed off her beautiful salty nuts (get it haha coz she's a nut haha we rock).

"Just a minute baby… god you look salty in that dress, so very, very salty." Said James, although for the first time in several years he didn't fell like nut (she's got it in an email, luv, she's got it in an email.) he felt like zucchini.

Draco was sitting alone in the corner, whimpering like little baby, a little babybaby. (Watch Let The Blood Run Free, its really good) He suddenly jumped up and felt a sudden brainwave, fast fact like in manor.

"ARE YOU READY FOR FAST FACTS? DID YOU KNOW THAT MORE THAN 12 THOUSAND TROPHIES MEDALS AND RIBBONS ARE AWARDED EACH YEAR AT THE PERTH ROYAL SHOW?" He yelled, breathing heavily and sweating. Everyone looked at him, then looked at each other, then back at him, then at each other again, and then back at him once more.

"Umm…._How can we dance when our earth is turning? How can we sleep while our beds are burning?"_ He began to dance. He danced frantically, swinging his arms and legs, doing the monkey, the banana, and repetitively jumping up and down in the air, folding his legs and arms and saying "Om, Om, Om."

James was standing there, as still as a statue which are generally made out of stone, unless they are ice statues which are made out of ice, don't lick them because your tongue will get stuck, not speaking from experience or anything, staring at Malfoy, ashamed to say that he was his one and only son of a gun, excluding Harry, who we should probably include since the whole series and everything is about Harry but meh, who gives.

Nutmeg suddenly interrupted James's statue stature by speaking. "Baby, I have a really big, big, big, big rather large, big, big, big, big, big, big p-

-ossibly (haha we got you again you sick minded beings) life changingly huge surprise".

Malfoy stopped dancing, and Lucius and the munchkins looked up in interest but then remembered they were supposed to be dead and quickly lay down and closed their eyes.

"I am HAGRID the almighty half-giant! All bow down to my salty nuttiness!" finished Nutmeg, AKA Hagrid he almighty half-giant.

James found he didn't really care. All he wanted now was a zucchini…

**A/N – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ooooooooooooooooo cliff hanger, kind of. We are all kind of too tired to continue, so are leaving it there and will write more later, when we have a sleep over again. Also we don't have any food to get our crazy inspiration from. Love you all you freaks…. Tell your friend's. Wait who am I talking to, no one reads this crap….**

**Peace out peoples,**

**Skweeky Leisha, Also very clean Jasmin and freshly showered Sam.**

**(Written by Hpfreaklk, jazhpfreak, samhpfreak)**


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